Where I am at
I have just returned to work after working from home for the past two and half months due to the current global pandemic, Covid-19. I returned to work, with a kick in my step, ready to tackle all my projects and motivated to complete what I have already started. You may note that the last time I posted a blog was a whole nine months ago. Since my last blog post, there has been so much happening in my life, but with that being said; I did not feel like what I was going through was interesting enough to write about. In hindsight, this may not be entirely true, because if even just one person could take away something positive from my experience, then that would be worth it.
Over the past few months, I have been dedicating my time to my job, trying to make headway with my studies whilst trying to be a supportive wife and a loving mother, as well as complete my household chores. I felt as if “this is what life is” and it was going good, we had a good rhythm, I was living the idea of a good life – a happy family, a cosy home and a fulfilling career. However, I have not been inspired or motivated to do what I enjoy doing, being creative. Lately, I have been feeling myself again, I feel creative, I see opportunities and I am feeling motivated to “do more”. I have been feeling like I am bursting with idea’s and I am motivated to write blog posts.
I took the first step; I started writing out my ideas for my blog posts, and started writing them. Suddenly I found myself having writers block, so I started doing my small home projects I had been wanting to do, and I would come back to my blog drafts and I didn’t couldn’t move forward with the writing, it was like there was something missing. I decided okay, let me try the next topic and then hit the same writers block. Eventually I found myself trying to write three different blog posts over the past few weeks, but not feeling like they were actually saying anything, just words on a Word Document. I felt even worse when my friend started her blog and had already posted more reads that are interesting in two weeks than what I had done in all these months. Then I started feeling like, maybe I should write about why I have not been writing. This was even worse than three draft blogs. I was all over the place and there was just no flow. Then, yesterday, I was looking at my latest draft, confused and disappointed. I really wanted to write again, but it was as if, I did not know how to conceptualise my ideas.
How the universe works
I am of the belief that everything happens for a reason, when I was younger, I could never understand why things would happen, or I would pray and hope for X but instead have Y happen. As I got older, I started to realise that all those times, when I did not necessarily get what I wanted, I was given what I needed to get to where I am today, and I can honestly say that I have had a good life. It is however comical, how things happen to fall so seamlessly into place, like nothing is random but rather happened as it should to lead you to where you need to be. We could even call it a series of fortunate events.
As I said above, I have been struggling with my writing recently. It is as if I know what I want to write but I do not know how, or I have a plan but am stuck with the execution, and actually, it is not just this blog, but in my personal life as well. I have so many plans and ideas but I am feeling stuck, or as if I was being held back. Hence the culmination of how I was feeling yesterday in relation to my writing.
Where it gets weird
I have always experienced very vivid dreams (and then later memories of dreams), to the point where I cannot tell whether what am I am seeing or experiencing is happening is real or just a dream. Sometimes, I have memories and am not sure, if they are what really happened or if I imagined it. Talking to my family or close friends, you will find out that a weird realistic dream is quite common with me, as I enjoy sharing my dream experiences. Last night was no different. I had these dreams, and without going into the dream details, after a quick browse of the internet’s dream interpretation websites, I found the following interpretations:
Dream 1: “represent the surging of your emotions in a situation where you feel overwhelmed or unprepared to cope with what is occurring in life, where you may be procrastinating, or not facing up to your true feelings about something”
Dream 2: “…may reflect you telling yourself that something is a good idea. Your receptiveness to experimentation or exploration of new ideas or new ways of thinking”
I spent the whole drive to work trying to figure out what it could possibly mean or what is the symbolism. I got to my office and started checking my emails, getting ready for the day’s work, when I decided to scroll through Instagram for a little. I came to an Instagram story post of someone who had posted a blog, and I decided to read it. Now, this may sound strange, but within a minute of reading the blog, I started feeling as if it I was the author and it had almost described what I had been feeling without me knowing that I had felt that way. It was a blog about “Coming off the Pill” by Le’Chelle Aldridge (link to blog at end). It was the first time I had seen or read her blogs, but this one spoke to me, as I to have been through a similar experience in recent times. It was as if reading her message made me realise that I was stuck because I had not come to understand what I was feeling. The dreams were trying to tell me that I have been stuck and procrastinating but something new was coming to help me. There the help was, in the form of another woman’s experience.
Since January this year, I felt like I was struggling a little with my body and my mental state. I was feeling tired, exhausted, bloated and uninspired. I was also due to renew my contraceptive. After doing research on different method and reading up on the experiences of other woman, I decided that maybe it was time for a change. I had spoken to health care professional and decided to make the change from the injection to the pill. Within a week, I was feeling sick and nauseous every day and I had major stomach abdominal pain. I then returned to the health care professional but decided to get a second opinion. Where I got the pill, I had been taking for the years prior to having my son. It went well for the first few weeks, but then I could start feeling the difference in my energy levels as well as my mental well-being; I started feeling bloated, paranoid and overly emotional. I then made the decision to quit the contraceptive and try to get my body back to its natural groove. Very soon after I decided to nix the pill, by body showed me that my natural groove was a heavy, painful and unpredictable menstrual cycle. With all the new changes, I had not considered all the positive changes that I was going through; no bloating, more energy, I was able to focus more – it really feels like I am feeling how I should be feeling. After reading that blog this morning, I realised that my body needed the break, to get to some form of normal, and now that I know that this is how I feel, I really feel more positive and inspired to continue to feel as good as I felt today.
I guess the point of it all is that, sometimes we feel stuck and are trying to find meaning and purpose, and we often find what we need when we’re not really looking. With all my experiences so far I found that I learnt more the experiences of others, when I felt like I was the only one, there was someone who went through the same experience, when I didn’t know how I was feeling, there was someone else going through the same emotions, which helped me put my feeling into perspective. My hope is that many more people will share their experiences so that others may learn and gain knowledge too.
I hope I’ll have the stamina to keep writing from now on.
Link for blog post mentioned: http://taylormde.com/coming-off-the-pill-fire-nipples-mental-clarity/